Sunday, October 22, 2017
It’s currently 8:33pm as I sit at Powell library– not at my favorite desk, unfortunately, as someone has already claimed it. Anyway, before I crank out a late night study session, I want to take a few minutes to release some thoughts and emotions.
I haven’t been feeling like myself lately. I find it difficult to focus on tasks, be it studying or dancing. I’ve tried different strategies to help me better concentrate– changing study locations, eliminating as much distraction as possible, treating grueling assignments like games, with food and Grey’s Anatomy being the reward. Still, though, something is up with me, and I think I know the reason why.
On October 17, I ran out of Prozac, and was planning on sticking it out until October 20, the date of my scheduled appointment with my SoCal psychiatrist, Dr. Rees. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of scheduling a 7am appointment, and unsurprisingly, I slept right through it. I have yet to reschedule an appointment with the doc. Until then, I must make do without my medication. It’s all my fault for not having prioritized my mental health by rescheduling an appointment the minute I had missed it. Since my last prescription came from the Kaiser in NorCal, I can’t call the phone number on the old prescription bottle, as my psychiatrist up there doesn’t do mail-in medications, and she’d rather I figure out all my prescription stuff with my doctor down here. It’s kind of a mess, but I’m hoping all will be fine between now and my next appointment. To make a long story short, I’ve been feeling the lousy way I have, largely because I abruptly stopped my medications, which in turn did a 180 on my brain. The mood stabilizers work to suppress my high moods, but without the Prozac buffer, I worry that my moods will dip below the threshold of normal. Moral of the story: STAY ON YOUR MEDS! I wish I had the capacity to know which medications at what dosage to take and when it’s safe to stop taking them… but alas, I’m no doctor.
I must be kind to myself, though, and realize that my recent low productivity and inability to focus on tasks is NOT a measure of who I am– don’t worry, Belicia, you are not suddenly a lazy and useless noodle unworthy of love or respect– you are just going through some brain chemistry changes that will soon be fixed. There, I said it. Now, it’s time to believe it.
I’m gonna start studying now. LS 15 is kind of kicking my ass. Russian is a lot better, after Friday’s marathon studying. Psych 100A is not too bad anymore either, also owing to the hard work I put in on Friday. Just gotta keep it up! I’ll talk to you guys later in the night, when I take my study break.
Monday, Oct. 23, 2017
Lol guys. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to finish this post yesterday. On the bright side, I was able to finish most of my studying and am, for the most part, caught up with all my classes’ material.
As I’ve told y’all before, my diet has been absolutely horrendous. I can’t even begin to list out all the trash I’ve been ingesting these past few days… it seems as if all my self-discipline surrounding food has gone down the drain. Very, very bad, Belicia. Starting tonight, I will try harder to get back on track with a sticking to a healthy diet. Kind of difficult to do, though, when your apartment-life menu options are limited to frozen dinners and ramen noodles. My parents strongly advise I get a basic meal plan, just so I’m guaranteed at least one good meal a day. I’m beginning to think that’s a good idea. Even though doing so may be a little more expensive, my health and wellness surpass all talk of money. I need a well-functioning body to perform at my greatest mental capacity.
I woke up this morning with the intention to start treating myself KINDLY; replace the drill-sergeant voice in my head with a more loving, compassionate one. The shift in mindset has made me feel a lot more positive and accepting towards myself. I am no longer scrutinizing my faults and hating myself for being the imperfect being I am. I’m learning to accept imperfection as a part of what makes me, ME. I’m learning to separate WHAT I DO from WHO I AM. I’m no longer taking myself all too seriously. I laugh at my countless social faux pas’s and embarrassing “Belicia” moments. I now try to perceive things like college exams, projects, dance competitions and performances as fun challenges– not end-all-be-all stressors that put my face at stake.
I am in the process of expanding my worldview beyond the small, titular world of standardized measures of skill. While grades do matter, they far from encapsulate everything of importance in life. There is so, so much more in the grand scheme of things than earning straight A’s. My goal has shifted from being a perfect student to doing well in school, whilst experiencing as much I can in my youth, at a place of limitless opportunity like UCLA. As an aspiring writer, it is of utmost importance that I know life from the inside-out. It is not enough for me to read about life through the lenses of others. To be a student of the world, I must experience things for myself to truly understand how others think and feel in different circumstances, and ultimately paint such deeply felt, universal experiences into words.
It’s approaching 1am as I wrap up this post. Got a long day ahead, and I look forward to what wonders, beauties, knowledge and joy tomorrow will bring!!