What Is She To Do, Now?

Hi guys! Long time no talk– how have you all been?

It’s currently 7:05am as I sit inside Corner Bakery, awaiting my omelet breakfast whilst typing away. Ah, my breakfast just arrived! But before I dig in, I’d like to finish my train of thought.

Life has been… slow, lethargic and slightly melancholic, as of late. For the past couple weeks, I haven’t been feeling quite myself– hence, the hiatus in writing. The spiral has been moving at a constant, gradual pace, interrupted only by brief euphoric moments–coaching the UCLA gymnastics team, seeing UCLA HOOLIGAN theater’s production of “Cabaret” (the musical I helped choreograph) come to fruition, sharing fun conversations with friends. These breaths of fresh air never last long, though, and too soon, I find myself suffocating once in the mugginess of my melancholic, mercurial moods. The effect has been consequential. Focusing on studies is now such an ordeal. Each day is a battle against low motivation and reluctance to hit the books. Never before in my life has this happened… in the past, no matter how hurt or bitter or depressed I may have felt, I always somehow delivered academically. It was as if my grades were immune to the volatility and unpredictability of my tidal emotions. Academics have been the most the consistent part of my life, beyond the love of my family.

Now, I can’t seem to sit still long enough to get in the groove of my studying. Although, last week, I was pleased to have earned a 95% on my stats midterm, despite not studying as hard as I typically do for exams of that importance. Perhaps just a fluke of nature.

I’m trying, guys. I really am trying, to regain my discipline and direction, and push through such low plateaus, with the steadfast hope that light will soon follow.

My life of late has been lacking in direction. In truth, I have yet to figure out what I wish to do with my life. The pre-med track offered me that linearity, predictability and direction that I so crave at this moment. It is high time for me to seek internship opportunities, but to do so is like grasping for thin air. I haven’t the slightest of what I wish to do with my psychology major. Become a clinical therapist? Pursue professorship, and become a quadruple-threat– teacher, researcher, therapist and writer? Maybe I won’t even use my psych major. Maybe I’ll pursue a career as a full-time, freelance writer. That would be cool, if I could somehow make ends meet. I’d embody the archetype of the struggling artist– doing all sorts of odds-and-ends jobs by day, and perfecting my craft by night. If all else fails, at least I can fall back on my skills as an academic tutor, what with my UCLA degree. And I know that my family loves me enough to never let me starve on the streets. Still, I don’t aspire to be living under my parents’ roof at age 30.

And what of dance? Oh, dance… I really do love it. A part of me just wants to take time off between undergrad and grad school– if I decide to pursue grad school, that is– and focus on dance, see where it leads me. Maybe join a cruise agency and work as a performer whilst traveling the world. What’s wrong with doing that? Sure, when you tell someone you are a cruise ship performer, they may snicker inside, or meekly nod their heads out of politeness… or is it pity? Either way, it shouldn’t matter what others think. If I want to dance, travel the world, and get paid for it, there’s no reason why I shouldn’t go for it. Another dance-related pipe dream of mine is auditioning for “So You Think You
Can Dance”. My background in gymnastics and ballroom makes for great versatility as a dancer, and performing on a tv show would really challenge my performance anxiety, boost my confidence by lightyears, and open more opportunities in the world of dance. Still another option would be to audition for Broadway. I heard that many Broadway cast members are neither singers nor actors, but trained professionally only in dance– they simply have their mics turned off while on stage! After my recent stint in musical theater, I’ve grown more and more intrigued by this new and beautiful world… I hope to improve my singing and acting skills by getting more involved in UCLA student theater and a capella groups. Dreamer I may be, I am smart enough to recognize that I’ll never be a Broadway star, as I entered the world of musical theater much too late.. but to perform on the Broadway stage, even as a background dancer, would be an experience for the books, nonetheless. And that is all I want– to live and experience fully. I will always be a writer at heart, and to write compelling work, one must have content to write about. My greatest inspiration comes from my physical and spiritual interaction with the universe. I must live to write, and write to live. My muse, then, is not one single thing or person or place, but simply, life at large.

It is 8:05am now. I have Russian class at 9:30am, then the rest of the day is mine. My brother and I are flying back home to the Bay Area tonight at 9:00pm, for Thanksgiving holiday. Will chat with you guys soon!



Toodle-pip! (quote from “Cabaret”)







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