Hi guys. I hope you all are having a good Monday night. One day down, four days to go! Y’all got this!
I wish I could say I was doing well… but I’m not. Not tonight. I tried going to bed early at 10:30pm, but couldn’t fall asleep. I was feeling… lonely. Lost in my negative thoughts surrounding all the drama that’s been happening in my life lately. Fighting the depression. Gosh, whenever I find myself with too much free time on my hands, I get depressed. It’s been a consistent pattern for the past four years or so. Obviously there is so much I can do with my time… read a book. Study Chinese. Go to the gym. Dance. But that motivation is lacking… I’m ambitious, but lately, I’ve been lacking the follow-through, which concerns me. A part of me is excited for the school year to begin, as I will be busy once more, and I won’t have time to ruminate on negative thoughts.
It’s so bad– lately, I’ve been experiencing a constant urge to party and lose myself in reckless abandon. Whenever I am not clubbing or going out with friends, I feel… empty. A long stretch from the girl who used to study flashcards in her room for fun.
I sometimes feel like my life went to shit the moment I stopped dancing competitively. The choice was mine, of course. I was disillusioned with the ballroom dance world, and felt the need to take a break from the politics and drama surrounding the industry. However, I will say this: dancing gave me goals to work towards. I found it immensely fulfilling to see my continuous improvement. The time when I was dancing most, I was also the happiest I have been in my life. I feel that, if I return to competitive dancing, I will find fulfillment and meaning in my life once more. At the very least, I’ll be getting consistent exercise, and stay out of mischief.
It’s interesting. Whenever I write, I feel better, almost immediately. Tonight, I cried, as I was trying to go to sleep. I felt a mixture of emotions. Shame… Regret… Disappointment in myself. I prayed to God to help me through this difficult time. I even prayed to my late grandmother and late godmother, both of whom are watching over me from above. I know they would not be proud of the person I’ve become, as of late. And no one could be more disappointed than myself.
I miss high school, sometimes. I was a very different person. A better person. Focused. Disciplined beyond my years. Mature. Goal-oriented. Stable. I had so much potential and promise of success. I really hope that I can get back to that state I used to be in. No more mischief, wasting time, fooling around. I must get back on track.
Alright, it’s time to face my demons again. Time to let sleep come to me… blissful, sweet sleep. The only time I can be at peace. I wake up, and my overactive mind instantly turns to anxious and negative mode. I really need to see a therapist.