Hey guys! It’s 8:17pm on this Saturday evening. I’m still at home in the Bay and will be returning to LA on Monday afternoon. I’ve been home for over a week now. While this mid-quarter Thanksgiving break was much-needed, I was honestly such a couch potato the entire time I was home. A part of it was the depression that resurfaced. It’s weird– coming home can sometimes be a trigger for my depression. Maybe because most of my close friends are in LA, and leaving them can trigger feelings of loneliness. I’m not sure. I suppose that, when I’m at school, I can’t afford to fall into a depressive slump, because I have so many academic responsibilities to juggle. So I fight harder to keep the depression away when I’m away from home, because to succumb to my depression in the middle of the quarter without my family around to catch me can be catastrophic. But when I come home, I feel that I can let my guard down completely. I feel safe. So perhaps I give myself greater leeway and permission to not only feel depressed, but also to let the depression run my life (which is not good). Well whatever the cause, the fact of the matter is, I am currently riding out one of my depressive episodes, and I’ve never been more eager to get back into the academic grind, once I return to UCLA. Staying busy with structure has always worked well for me in keeping the depression away. Remember, the quarter is not over yet. We still have finals. But winter break is coming in literally three weeks! I am so so excited!
Onto the meat of today’s post– LOVESTRUCK. I was bitten by the lovebug a couple days ago, after one of my past crushes randomly resurfaced in a dream. Now, all I can think about as I go to sleep each night is him! Ben! Remember Ben, guys? The waiter from Maui? Well if you don’t know who the heck I’m referring to, that’s alright. I wrote about him over three years ago, when I was 17 years old, in the summer of 2015. Let me copy and paste what I wrote in the blog post about him (that’s the beauty of blogging– one click and you can relive a memory)!
“On a lighter and happier note, though, I’m glad to say that my day ended very well, despite the bad experience. Shortly after getting ambushed by the woman, my family and I boarded a ship for a cruise dinner. There was a waiter on the ship named Ben, who (even in my state of semi-shock) caught my eye with his good looks and friendly demeanor. So throughout the cruise dinner, I watched him, simply because, well- he’s nice to look at! After the dinner ended, we all got off the ship and said our goodbyes to the crew. When it reached time to say bye to Ben, I shook his hand, and he gave me this gorgeous smile. He didn’t let go of my hand, though, which was surprising, but hey, I’m not complaining 🙂 He then said to me, “I hope you had a great time tonight, after what happened earlier.” Apparently he heard about the incident from some people on the ship- probably eyewitnesses. Ben told me to just black out what happened, as this world is full of crazy people who just aren’t worth my time and energy. He repeatedly apologized that this happened to me, and gave me several hugs. His words and actions were actually very comforting. My family, who was aware of my partiality towards Ben, asked if they could take a picture of the two of us. One picture turned into an entire photoshoot! After pictures were over, we talked some more. I mustered up the courage to tell him how handsome he was, and he replied by saying I have a beautiful smile.. I quickly discovered that, along with having looks, Ben has a brain. He graduated college three years ago with an aerospace engineer degree, but after falling in love with the sea, decided to choose a different path. When it was time for Ben to get back on the ship, we hugged about three times, and he gave me a kiss on the forehead and cheek.
I didn’t get his number, which I’m not sure I’m regretting or not, but like I said- a great end to a bad day.”
I never did see or hear from Ben again, which is to be expected. I have no idea what was going on with my little brain a couple nights ago, when the memory of Ben resurfaced in a dream. I woke up feeling enlivened and, well, just a little bit lovestruck! I know the chances of me seeing Ben again my lifetime are very slim. And don’t you worry– I am sensible enough to know that there will never be a “Benicia”. A with such handsome looks and heart-melting charisma, Ben could have anybody. Chances are, when I met him three years ago, he was already with someone. And if he wasn’t then, he probably is now. Heck, he might be married with children, at 28 years old!
Ben was a teenage crush. Barely even a crush, since our interaction spanned 20 minutes, max. It was more of a fantasy, an infatuation. I can’t even begin to imagine what true love must feel like, if nursing a fantasy already feels this good. Imagine someone loving you just as much (if not more than) you love them. There’s a song lyric by Nat Cole, which just so happens to be the mantra of my favorite movie, Moulin Rouge: “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return”. I have never experienced anything remotely close to true love. This is something I long to experience before I leave this Earth.
Okay, guys, you’ve found me out. Underneath all this drive and focus and goal-oriented nature is a passionate, helpless romantic. I am a dreamer in all aspects of life, including that of intimacy and love. I like to believe that there is someone out there for each and every one of us. You may meet each other at age 5 or 50. But somehow, someway, the stars will align one day… that fateful day… when the two of you will cross paths. And the rest will be history.
Usually, in cases of unrequited love, when I have feelings for someone I know will never feel the same way about me, I try to black out the memory of that individual. But I’m not gonna do that with Ben. I’ll cherish the sweet memory and occasionally go back to it, perhaps when I’m in need of a pick-me-up.
Wherever Ben is now, I wish him all the best. He seems like such a great guy, and I know whichever lucky lady he ends up with is so so blessed.
Alrighty, folks. Gonna submit my project, add some final touches to my paper, then go to bed (trying to get back into the early to bed early to rise routine). Hope you guys enjoyed my heartfelt, lovey-dovey post. And if you’re feeling depressed about being single during cuffing season, don’t you worry one bit. You may not find your person this winter, or even the next, but one day you will. And you’ll be that couple that all the single folks will envy. Just be patient, and trust the universe to make it happen.