Blogmas Day 12: Half Moon Bay Family Bonding Day

Hey guys! Welcome to Blogmas Day 12. It’s 10:44pm on this Friday night as I begin this post. I’m currently listening to one of my all-time favorite songs, “Come What May”, from the Moulin Rouge! OST. I’m planning on doing a dance choreography to this piece, which is why it’s important for me to listen to it repeatedly.

Anyway, today was a nice day. I woke up around 11am but felt a little bit under the weather. I hadn’t quite recovered from my cold, so I stayed in bed for a while before my brother came into my room and opened the curtains to wake me up. Reluctantly, I rushed through my morning routine. My family decided to go to Half Moon Bay for dimsum at Koi Palace. On the way there, we drove the scenic route, where you could see the oceanview and hills laden with goats and horses. We got to the restaurant at 2pm and had to wait a little bit before getting seated. Dimsum was delicious, as usual.

After lunch, we stopped by Whole Foods to buy some groceries. Then, we headed to the Hillsdale Shopping Center, where my brothers and dad got their shirts tailored at Nordstrom. While waiting for them, my grandma and I sat in the bench area outside of Macy’s admiring that year’s Christmas decorations. After the boys got their shirts fixed, we headed to Nob Hill foods, where I deposited some cash into my bank account, and my dad picked up some medication for my grandmother. Finally, around 5pm, we got home. What a wonderful time spent with family! Gotta cherish our time together, because they won’t last forever.

Once I got home, I immediately began networking for athletes to interview for my website, “The Athlete’s Corner”. I had no idea whether or not people would be receptive to sharing their stories with me. But I had to try, right? So I started by asking people I knew personally, and I already have several interviews lined up! I honestly have a good feeling about this project. I was blessed with the gift to write, and have no intention of wasting it. I’ve always been fascinated by the stories of exceptional people. And for the first time in my life, I’ll be able to use my voice to share these stories with the world. Which, in my opinion, is super exciting.

It’s almost 11pm now. I’m going to try to fix my sleep schedule and wake up early to exercise tomorrow morning! Have a great night, guys!






Blogmas Days 9, 10, and 11: Christmas Day and Wisdom Tooth Removal!

Hey guys! It’s currently 9pm on Thursday, December 27, 2018. I apologize for not having kept up with blogging these past few days! Between Christmas parties, skating, building my new website, getting my wisdom tooth removed, and catching a cold, I haven’t had much time to sit down and just write.

I guess I’ll start from the present and go backwards. Today (12/27/18) was a pretty big day– I got my right lower wisdom tooth removed! The entire process was pretty quick, though I can’t say it was painless. My appointment was at 10am, so I made sure to eat a REALLY big breakfast of congee, smoothie, and blueberries (oh, and I might have snuck in a slice of Uncle Tetsu’s cheesecake, for good measure) before we left the house. Once we arrived at the dental office, the dentist got me started my applying a local anesthetic to the area around my lower right molar. I always hate that darn needle they stick into your gums when injecting the anesthesia. Sometimes, that part is more painful than the actual tooth extraction! We waited about 15 minutes for the anesthesia to kick in, after which the dentist began the extraction process.


I felt a strong pressure on my lower right molar, followed by sharp pain when I felt the tooth being pulled out of my gums. I worried that I was not given enough local anesthetic, which got me really scared. My eyes were closed the ENTIRE time. At one point, I heard something crack in my mouth, which was probably the sound of my wisdom tooth being dislodged from the rest of my jaw. Ouch. Before I knew it, though, the procedure was done. The dentist, who also happens to be a good family friend, remarked that I got lucky, because the extraction was so easy! I wasn’t expected to feel much pain during recovery.

After we left the dental office, my mom and I went to the local pharmacy to pick up antibiotic medication for the sutured-up hole in my mouth, as well as extra strong Tylenol. No need for any strong prescription pain meds, like Vicodin. I sure did luck out, with this particular wisdom tooth. Hopefully this will be the only one that needs to get removed!

When I got home, I started feeling pretty under the weather, physically. I must have caught a cold from the past few days of skating in the cold rink without a jacket. So I took my medications and went to sleep for a few hours. When I woke up, it was about 4pm. I felt a little better, but not enough to get out of bed. So I watched the 2014 movie “The Theory of Everything”, which tells the story of the late Dr. Stephen Hawking, British theoretical physicist. Absolutely loved it– and the soundtrack was superb, as well. I would love to dance/skate a routine to the soundtrack, one day!

For dinner, I had a gigantic bowl of congee, seeing as it was the only thing I could eat! After dinner, I drove to Nob Hill Foods to buy myself some applesauce and pistachio ice cream. It was my first time trying the Italian ice cream brand “Talenti”, and my goodness it was delicious! I’m eating it right now, as I type out this blog!

Alrighty, now that we’ve caught up to the present, let’s turn back TIME (lol, reference to Hawking’s obsession) and talk about what I did the past couple days.

Tuesday was Christmas Day. It’s weird. When I was a little girl, I’d wake up every Christmas morning feeling like the happiest person on Earth. I’d scream, “MERRY CHRISTMAS”, to all my family members still asleep in their warm beds, and effectively wake everyone up. I’d dash down the stairs and sort through the presents to see which ones were mine. I was a good girl, though, and never opened them until my mom gave me permission to.

Christmas used to be a day of great fervor and excitement, something I’d look forward to for months on end. Once Christmas was over, I’d be very sad, only to perk up at the thought of next year’s Christmas. Then I’d break out my little calendar and start the Christmas countdown, 364 days in advance. THAT is how much the holiday meant to me, when I was a kid.

Nowadays, I’m most definitely NOT that energetic. Nor do I find myself counting down the days for major holidays, be it Halloween, my birthday, or even Christmas. I kind of just let it happen, silently smiling and soaking in each moment. Then once the celebration has passed, I am sobered back to reality, and life goes on. I suppose this is what happens when you grow up. The big things don’t seem to matter as much, and it’s the little things that bring us the greatest joy.

So that’s what Christmas was this year. I woke up like it was any other day of winter break. I put on my red and green Christmas outfit for pictures. Went downstairs, ate my usual breakfast. Then cracked open my laptop to work on my blog, until my mother said it was time to take pictures and open presents. The stockings were emptied, and as usual, we found red envelopes filled with lucky money from our parents and grandmother. We expressed our thanks and proceeded onward to open our individual presents. I received a new pair of Raybands sunglasses, a pair of Adidas running shoes, coupled with a pair of Calvin Klein sweatpants, a beautiful angel ornament, and a bookmark that reads, “Keep Dancing”.

Since it’s been two days since Christmas, I can’t remember what my other family members received as their presents. All I can say is, I feel super grateful that my family can afford to give each other presents as tokens for our love for one another. Not all families are fortunate enough to engage in the act of gift-giving. And even though, at the end of the day, most Christmas gifts are just material possessions, it’s really the thought behind it that warms the heart and makes you smile.

By the time we finished opening presents and taking pictures, it was around 1:30pm. I drove myself to the ice skating rink (yes, I survived the freeway!), where I skated from 2pm to 4pm. Normally, the public session starts at 2:30pm, but the manager was nice enough to let me skate in the freestyle session with the competitive skaters, if I paid $4 extra. Since it was Christmas, there weren’t that many freestyle skaters on the ice. But it was still cool being able to pretend I was “one of them”, for those brief 30 minutes (one day, Belicia, one day).

After skating, I drove home and got dressed for the Christmas party my family and I were invited to. The party was hosted by the very family friends who brought my mom and dad together! So I actually owe my very existence to Auntie Ella and Uncle Henry!

The party was mainly for the adults. Us “kids” were relegated to a table of our own. The food was amazing as usual. I especially enjoyed the clam linguini, which I will attempt to make for myself when I go back to school.

It was around 10pm by the time we got back home. I hit the hay early that night, since I had a 7am phone appointment the next morning, with my psychiatrist in LA.

Which finally brings me to yesterday, December 26, 2018. Miraculously, I managed to wake up by 7am. The doctor checked in with me, heard that I was doing well, and put in another prescription for me to pick up once I got back to LA. The rest of the day was kind of a blur. I didn’t go skating that day, because I had some pretty nasty blisters on my left foot, and I think my body needed to rest and absorb all the new information I was getting. I spent most of the day working on my new site, “The Athlete’s Corner”. I think I already told you guys about this project of mine. If not, here’s a quick elevator pitch: it’s a website dedicated to giving current and former members a platform to share their experiences in the world of sports. Many people don’t know what goes on behind the scenes in the shaping of a competitive athlete. The strict training regimen. The number of sacrifices one must make for one’s sport. The mental and physical abuse. The constant pressure to perform to perfection. Body image issues. Injuries. And, once the athlete inevitably retires, how they are able to make the difficult transition to a life outside their sport. I want to educate the public about life in sports, and I want to do it through the voices of athletes, coaches, and parents of athletes. It’s a big project, but it’s definitely one I am passionate about.

So that basically wraps up what happened with me, these past few days. I’ll talk to you guys tomorrow! ❤


Blogmas Day 8: Christmas Eve!

Merry Christmas Eve to all of my readers who celebrate!

Today was a great day! I woke up at almost noon because I stayed up writing until past 2am, the previous night.

I had originally planned on going ice skating in San Francisco Union Square with a friend from high school, but he canceled last minute because his plans changed. I get that things happen, so it was no matter. I still wanted go ice skating though, especially since I had made a big breakthrough in my skating the previous day, and I was eager to keep improving.

I ate a brunch of leftover noodles cooked in the last night’s hot pot soup base. It was delicious! After eating, I took an Uber to the ice skating rink, because both the Lexus and Volks Wagon were taken by my mom and brothers, and I did not feel comfortable driving our minivan on the freeway, especially not on a rainy day.

I arrived at the rink at 2pm and had 30 minutes to kill before the 2:30-6pm public skating session began. I did some stretching in the corner of the waiting area. At 2:30pm, I strapped on my skates and hopped on the ice. I skated around for about an hour, doing basic stroking, crossovers, swizzles, and one-foot glides. After about an hour, I felt sufficiently warmed up and comfortable on the ice. I then practiced my spiral, which happens to be my strongest skill. A spiral is when you glide either forwards or backwards on one foot while lifting your free leg in any position– front, side back, you name it. So far, I am only able to lift my back leg up, while skating forward. Because of my flexibility, I am able to lift my back leg quite high. I hope to one day be able to do a spiral like the legendary Sasha Cohen! Her spirals were really something else.

After spirals, I practiced my spins. I’m so happy to say that I’m finally getting the hang of spinning! I actually taught myself how to spin, as I did other skills, like spirals, lunges, bunny hops, three-turns, ski glides? (not really sure that’s what you call them), and skating backwards. I attribute my steep learning curve to my strong background in gymnastics. Thank you, gymnastics, for all the doors you’ve opened for me!

I had two big falls and a few small ones today. The first fall happened when I was practicing forward crossovers– I was going very fast and placed my weight too far forward, causing me to trip over my toe pick and land HARD on my knees. Sadly, I wasn’t wearing any knee pads, so my knees are now purple and bruised. It’s all part of the fun, though! My second fall was when I was performing a spiral with my back leg up in an arabesque position and right arm up, like a ballerina. I lost my concentration, as I was trying to catch a profile view on the sideboard reflection of my leg position. My front skate slipped under me, and I flopped flat onto my butt. I HATE falling backwards, as that’s the most dangerous kind of fall. If you don’t know how to fall, you could potentially hit your head and get a concussion. Thankfully, no such thing happened to me. But my glutes hurt for the next ten minutes, after which the pain subsided and all was well. I experienced a few mini falls when attempting new tricks, like a spin in the lunge position, and a skill called “shoot-the-duck”, where you are essentially down in a one-footed squat position, with the free leg pointed straight forward in front of you.

I was planning on skating until 6pm, closing time, but at around 4:15pm, the power went out in the ENTIRE rink. There were no lights, no music, nothing. People continued to skate in the dark, so I followed in suit and made sure to watch out for the reckless little kids. About 10 minutes later, the manager of the rink told everyone to get off the ice, as the power wasn’t coming back on anytime soon. I was so disappointed! I wanted to keep on skating and practicing and improving, despite the painful water blister that popped up on my left foot. Well, there was nothing anyone could do. So I left the rink at about 4:30pm and caught an Uber home (Mom was out running errands, brothers were getting a haircut, and dad was still at work, so I couldn’t get a ride home).

On the car ride home, I got a text from my friend from my Psych 110 class, saying that the grades for that class were finally posted online. I had a little freakout session in the back seat of the car. My heart immediately started pounding and my palms grew clammy. I tried getting online to check the grades, but there was no wifi and my data was going SO slow. It was agony! Once we got off the freeway, my data got faster for some reason, and the page was able to load. My hands were shaking as I took a deep breath and clicked on “Exam and Homework Grades”. I scrolled down to where it said “Final Grade”, and… (drumroll please)…

I GOT AN A IN THE CLASS! I couldn’t believe it. Well, I mean, I did study like hell for the final… So I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. And the curve in that class is pretty generous. I guess I was just paranoid because of that one time in my Psych 150 class that my scantron went into the wrong pile, and as a result, my initial score was a 26%. After that experience, I made sure to always double check that I filled in the correct exam form number before handing in the scantron. Couldn’t have a repeat of what happened before.

So, as you could imagine, I was a super happy camper by the time I got home. I told my dad about my grade, and he reacted very calmly, saying, “I don’t know why you were so nervous before. I knew you could do it. You are always so anxious before and after exams… I don’t understand why.” And to that, I replied, “Well it’s because I am a perfectionist!” And he said, “You don’t need to take it to such an extreme.” He’s honestly right, though. I can’t worry so much about my grades, or any other form of evaluation, for that matter. As long as I try my best– and by best, I mean studying little by little each day, reading and outlining the textbook diligently, getting enough rest so I can retain information better, and going to office hours if I don’t understand a concept– I will be fine.

I was super hungry when I got home, so I decided to eat leftover soup noodles from this morning. Chris made his famous milk tea again, but didn’t add sugar, so it didn’t really suit my taste. But hey– at least it was healthy!

After eating, I considered taking a nap, because 2 hours of nonstop skating (minus a water break) is pretty draining, especially if you haven’t exerted yourself physically in a while. Learning a new skill is very mentally taxing as well, as you’re in the process of ingraining new information into your muscles. Once you practice enough and get the hang of the moves, it becomes more natural, and you don’t have to think so much about every movement. One of my skating coaches, Lili, was right– it took me roughly 3 months to get comfortable being on the ice. Once I broke through that barrier, I was able to reach a new level. It’s so fun and fulfilling to see tangible improvement in your skill! This is what I love about sports– the improvement is so concrete and tangible and is directly proportional to how much time you devote to practicing. I’m more motivated than ever to improve my skating and plan on skating every day for the rest of break. I understand that once I go back to school, it’ll be a lot harder to fit skating into my busy schedule… but even going once a week for a lesson and a few hours of practice is better than nothing.

So, where was I? Oh yes. I wanted to take a nap, but decided against it, as I didn’t want to ruin my sleep pattern. So I opened this laptop and began writing today’s Blogmas!

It’s almost dinner time now. My family celebrates Christmas, but we aren’t an especially festive family. This year, we didn’t even bother getting a tree! It’s all good, though– at least we’re spending Christmas Eve together, as it should be. And tomorrow, we’re attending a family friend’s annual Christmas party, where there will be good food and fun games. The party is more for the adults, but the ambiance is always very nice, and you definitely feel the holiday spirit when at the Youngs’ home.

So that’s it for my Christmas Eve post! I wish you all a Merry Christmas– have fun opening presents and spending time with your loved ones!







Blogmas Day 7: Figure Skating, Writing, and MORE WRITING!

Hello, everyone! Welcome to Blogmas Day 7, aka Christmas Eve-Eve! It’s actually 8:18pm on Christmas Eve as I write this post. I told you I’m falling behind on my Blogmas series! But I made a commitment to write about every day, so I’m sticking to it.

So I have to take a minute to jog my memory, since I’m writing a post about yesterday. What did, I do?

I woke up. We know that much, lol. I think it was super early, like at 6am, or something. I remember being super excited to continue learning a new choreography from YouTube, which I will then teach to my Bruin Burlesque students.

I arrived at the gym at around 7am. Normally, there’s a yoga class in the studio, but I suppose the yoga teacher took a holiday break, so the class was canceled, and I had the dance studio all to myself! I practiced the choreography to “Another One Bites the Dust” by my new favorite band, Queen. Before watching the movie “Bohemian Rhapsody”, I knew a few of their hit songs, including “Bohemian Rhapsody”, “Another One Bites the Dust”, “The Show Must Go On”, and “We Will Rock You”. All very catchy songs and super fun to sing and dance to. After watching the movie, I gained a newfound appreciation for the band and their courage to expand the boundaries of music and create unconventional art that the public loved. So my latest obsession is Queen. That, and figure skating. Speaking of which…

At around 12:30pm, my friend Louise picked me up and drove us to the ice skating rink. It was my first time back on the ice in about a month, so I felt a bit rusty in the beginning. Usually during skating practice, I skate around the rink a couple times then jump right into practicing spins and other elements. This time around, I did something different. Louise and I basically skated around the perimeter of the rink for an hour, engaged in deep conversation about a wide range of topics– college, mental health in sports, mental health in general, and more. It was a really great conversation. After an hour, we decided to do some real skating. Normally it takes me a few tries to get on the right part of my blade during a spin. This time around, my first spin of the day was well-executed. In fact, everything element I did was on-point! Spins, spirals, 3-turns… It was all falling into place and making sense. You know those “ah-ha” moments you get in the classroom, when suddenly, you understand a concept with newfound clarity? Well that’s exactly what I experienced yesterday, on the ice. My first skating coach was right– it would take me roughly 3 months to get down the basics and feel comfortable on the ice. It’s been roughly 3 months, and I gotta say, I feel like a totally different skater than before. Don’t get me wrong– I am still a beginner. But I have a newfound confidence on the ice. I am no longer hesitant and afraid to fall. I’m not afraid to try new skills. My focus has shifted from simply trying to stay on my feet, to actually executing elements with correct technique. I guess you could say I’ve found my “ice-legs”. And all that happened within a single skating practice session! As the public skate session ended, Louise and I were the only ones left on the ice. There was Christmas music playing in the background, and I didn’t hesitate to dance/skate to the music. For the first time in my short skating career, I felt free to express! It was the most magical feeling!

So after yesterday’s breakthrough practice, I’ve learned that I skate my best when completely warmed up. My new skating warmup routine is as follows: stretch for 30 minutes, then skate around the perimeter of the ice for at least 45 minutes, practicing stroking, swizzles, cross-overs, and one-foot glides. Also, I need to fall a few times to get it out of my system. Only after I have completed my warmup can I move on to practicing more complex skills, like spins and spirals and jumps.

At 3pm, Louise’s parents picked us up and dropped me off at my house. I can’t remember what I did next. All I know is, I had dinner at 7pm then headed up to my room, where I wrote for 5.5 hours straight on both this blog and “The Athlete’s Corner”. What a great feeling it was, to lose myself in my words and to release all my pent-up thoughts and emotions onto the computer screen. I was completely immersed in my work, unaware of time passing me by. I wrote my opus of the year– the story of my career-ending injury, which you can read here. It was 2am when I finished.

And of course, after a jam-packed day of writing and skating, I was all tuckered out, and went to bed immediately after uploading my blog post. And so concludes Blogmas Day 7!









Blogmas 2018 Days 6: Becoming a Rhythmic Gymnastics Judge

Hey guys! Today is Sunday, December 23, 2018. It’s 8:09pm. I just finished a hot pot dinner with my family and some family friends. Now, it’s time to fill you guys in on what’s been happening these past couple days! I’ve been trying to keep up with my Blogmas series, but I’ve just been so busy spending time with old friends and keeping busy with fun activities that I find myself coming home late each night and wanting nothing more than to go straight to bed.

So, let’s see where we’re at. Okay, rewind to yesterday, Saturday 12/22/18. I woke up later than usual– almost noon. I suppose I had gone to bed late the previous night, which is why my sleep schedule went out of whack. After speeding through my morning routine and eating breakfast (well, it was more like a brunch), I caught the 1:30pm train to San Jose, where I decided to visit the gym once more. I arrived at the gym and caught up with the parents and fellow gymnasts, including a girl who I used to compete against! I did a bit of stretching and coaching. At around 3:45pm, I reunited with my former teammate’s mother, who I had not seen since two summers ago. She was essentially my “gymnastics mom” back when I was still training in San Francisco. She would always drive me and her daughter to the gym and travel with us to competitions. She kindly offered to drive me all the way home from the gym, just like the good ol’ days!

After I got home, I headed to the local fitness center, as I figured that if I were to become a full-time coach after college, I’d need to gain back my flexibility so I could demonstrate skills to the little girls. Another thing I’m planning on doing after college– I’ve decided that I want to become a rhythmic gymnastics judge! I know. WILD, right? In all honesty, it’s really not too difficult to become an RG judge. Technically, you don’t even have to have been a gymnast to judge! You just need to read over the RG code of points and pass an exam to be a certified judge (there may be a step or two I’m missing… but that’s the general gist of it). Being a judge would be a great way for me to put my gymnastics experience to good use. And it will reconnect me with a community that is near and dear to my heart. You may be wondering why I fell off the face of the rhythmic gymnastics Earth, once I got injured. The truth is, I was hurting so much emotionally after the injury, I couldn’t bear to watch former teammates and competitors continue to pursue the sport that I loved so much, but was unable to do. I was grieving the loss of a past life. And people have different ways of grieving. I think I needed time away from the community to fully come to peace with my injury and close that chapter of my life. But now I realize that just because I am no longer a gymnast doesn’t mean I have to cut all ties with the RG community. These past couple days spent at the gym really showed me how happy rhythmic gymnastics made me. I felt as if I was reconnecting with a piece of my soul that had been missing for a long time. In the past, going back to the gym would have broken me down emotionally, as any reminder of my past life– a life I was forced to leave behind prematurely– would evoke feelings of bitterness and regret. But, as they often say, time is the best medicine. And I’ve expanded and developed my identity in so many dimensions since leaving behind my sport, 6 years ago. I am okay, now. More than okay. And it is now and only now, when I am fully at peace with my past, that I am ready to reunite with old friends, coaches, and judges, and take on a different role in the world of rhythmic.

So, back to my Saturday night. I got home from the gym, ate dinner, then sat down at my desk to do some writing. I decided to get started on a new passion-project, namely, creating a new blog dedicated to members of the competitive athletics community (athletes, parents, coaches, sports’ enthusiasts, etc.). The blog is called “The Athlete’s Corner”, and it is on this platform that I share my own experience as a former gymnast and all the triumphs, hardships, and lessons learned from my life as a competitive athlete. The fact of the matter is, being a high-level athlete is HARD. Athletes are often treated as physical machines that are expected to perform to superhuman standards. There’s a lot of abuse, both physical and psychological, in the world of athletics, and because many athletes are taught to never admit weakness or show emotion (it’s all part of the “game”), the mental health stigma in that world is so pervasive. My goal with this new blog is to chip away at that stigma and to urge athletes to take care of their mental and emotional health, instead of silently suffering at the hands of abusive coaches and crippling pressure and perfectionism. For my ten years in gymnastics, I struggled to find my voice. I was effectively silenced by authoritarian coaches and the system as a whole. Every part of my being– my body, my thoughts, my emotions– were at the mercy of my coaches and the external validation of competitive results. In training, I did as I was told, with no objection. If my coach praised me, I felt happy. If I got high marks at competition, I was elated. If my coach yelled at me, I grew frustrated, angry at myself, and sometimes despondent. If I delivered a subpar routine at competition, I’d internalize the “failure” and ruthlessly blame and bully myself for my ineptitude. As much as I loved gymnastics, I don’t hesitate to say that the sport is corrupt and abusive and oftentimes beats young, healthy, happy girls to a pulp– both physical and psychologically.

Wow, what a digression. No wonder I made this new blog– I have SO much to say about my time as an athlete. It’s as if all ten years’ worth of pent-up thoughts and emotions are being released onto the computer screen!

So Saturday night, I began this new blog. I stayed up until about 3am writing and editing and perfecting my website. It was crazy, how invigorated and passionate I felt while writing my first introductory post. The words just spilled out, and the blog post wrote itself. I have such high hopes for my new blog. Truly. I believe we all have a purpose on this Earth, and I think I have found mine– to heal broken athletes, who are only human, like the rest of us. This is why I am so sure of studying sports psychology. There are SO many important issues surrounding mental health in the world of athletics. It’s essential that top athletes have a strong emotional support system to survive the crazy pressure of competing with the weight of the world on their shoulders. And, more importantly, athletes transitioning out of their sport and into the real world should not have to face their struggles alone. Because there are many, many challenges during this transition. The process of rebuilding one’s identity. Finding new meaning in life outside of sports. Facing disillusionment after disillusionment. Learning to live inside a new body. Dealing with the aftermath of years of psychological abuse. Developing a voice. My transition out of gymnastics was the most difficult thing I’ve ever faced in my life. I was depressed for most of my high school years, before I finally told myself, “Enough is enough. I refuse to live like this any longer.” So I sought out a life-changing therapist who helped me through my grief and ultimately write a new life chapter.

Okay, guys. That’s enough for one post. If you made it this far, I know you’re one of my most loyal readers.





Blogmas 2018 Day 5: Interview and Shopping Galore!

Hey y’all! It’s 10:50pm on this Friday night as I begin this post.

I woke up around 3:30am, for some strange reason, and could not fall back asleep until a couple hours later. I woke up the second time at 11:00am and got ready for my 12:00pm Skype interview. The interview was for an assistant choreographer position for UCLA’s HOOLIGAN Theater winter quarter musical, “Fame”. The musical is about a group of young artists who attend a performing arts’ high school. Each of them have dreams of making it big, whether as an actor, dancer, or musician. I suppose the musical encapsulates the life I sometimes wish I had led. All throughout middle and high school, I begged my parents to homeschool me, or let me do online schooling, so I could have more time to pursue gymnastics. At one point, I even considered transferring to San Francisco School of the Arts, where I could pursue a dance education. There always seemed to be a strict divide between school and gymnastics, or school and dance. For some reason, I was never able to go to school, FOR gymnastics, or FOR dance. I suppose, when applying for colleges, I had the option of choosing dance as my major… but even that wasn’t an ideal option for me, as my style of dance, Latin Ballroom, was not covered in UCLA’s dance curriculum. It was always one or the other. Never both. I wish I had the option of going to school for my PASSION, like these kids in “Fame” do. So, long story short, I would really love to be a member of the creative team for “Fame” because the message of this musical resonates on such a deeply personal level for me.

Okay, I just ranted a whole lot about “Fame”. Where was I? Oh yes. The interview. So the interview took place over Google Hangouts. Me, being the technologically-challenged being I am, could not for the life of me find the chat-room where the interview was being held! At almost 12:30pm, 30-minutes after my scheduled interview time, I finally was able to click the correct link and join the group video chat. The production team was really understanding about the challenges of technology, and we proceeded onward with the interview.

The interview went very well, in my opinion. I was confident in my reasons behind why I wanted to choreograph “Fame”. My past experience as an assistant choreographer for “Cabaret” last year gave me an edge, I think. “Fame” is a very dance-heavy production, and I do believe I have a lot to offer this musical, with my experience in ballroom, ballet, jazz, and hip hop.

After the interview, I went to the gym, where I danced and learned some new choreography that I will teach to my Bruin Burlesque students.

By the time I got back from the gym, it was a little past 3pm. At 3:30pm, my high school friend Rachel picked me up from my house, and we headed to the Hillsdale Shopping Center for a day of shopping and bonding! I bought a fur coat and sparkly party dress from Forever 21. Rachel also got herself a sequined party dress and this really cute leotard with rhinestone straps. Honestly, Forever 21 is the only store I can afford to shop at these days. #brokecollegestudent , amirite?! I’m not actually broke though– if I were, how could I afford to go shopping TWO DAYS in a row??

At 6:05pm, we headed to California Pizza Kitchen and ate dinner there. I had the holiday special: Mac-N-Cheese with Beef Brisket. Rachel had a Cali Club Pizza (basically a club sandwich, pizza version). After dinner, Rachel drove me home, and we bade farewell, for the time being. Don’t you just hate goodbyes, no matter how long the separation duration?

I went home to an empty house. My parents and brother were out for dinner. So I did the rational thing and celebrated my alone time with a horror-thriller movie, “Bird Box”. The movie was pretty intense, and I found myself buried underneath my bedsheets for the duration of the movie, as if somehow the warm comfort of my blankets would protect me from any scary monsters lurking in the dark.

By the time I finished the movie, my parents and brother were back home, so the house was no longer so dark and eerie. I showed off my new fur coat to them, and my brother said the coat was very prostitute-esque. But he quickly added that I myself didn’t look like a prostitute (thanks, for the reassurance, Chris).

After trying Chris’s delicious homemade pineapple-custard buns, I went back up to my room and finished writing Blogmas 2018 Day 4. And now, here I am, finishing up Day 5! It’s currently 11:31pm. My computer battery is running low, so I’d better end this post here. Today was a nice, simple, relaxing day. Sometimes, those are the best kinds of days.







Blogmas 2018 Day 4: San Jose Adventures and Gymnastics Reunion!

Hey guys! It’s currently 11:44pm on this Thursday night. I got home not too long ago, after a fun-filled, heartfelt day of eating, shopping, and reunion. I’m honestly super tired right now, so I will probably finish this blog post tomorrow. In the meantime, I’ll give you a little run-down of what happened today!

I woke up around 10:30am. At 11:15am, my brother Chris drove me to the Caltrain station, where I hopped aboard the train to San Jose. My friend Milton picked me up from the station, and we had a merry-ol’-time finding street parking before eating mac-n-cheese at this American restaurant (I’m totally forgetting the name of the restaurant!). The mac-n-cheese was supposed to be San Jose’s best, according to Yelp, but the two of us were underwhelmed. The fish-n-chips we shared was mediocre, at best. After eating, we headed to the Great Mall, where we did some Christmas shopping! I bought some gifts for friends and, as hard as I tried to abstain from buying anything for myself, I couldn’t resist buying a pair of cheetah-print sweatpants for myself– I mean, who can resist cheetah print?!

After shopping, Milton dropped me off at the rhythmic gymnastics club I used to coach at, two summers ago. It was honestly so great reuniting with the girls and the coaches. I was initially a little nervous to see everyone, but once I saw their smiling faces, all feelings of inhibition washed away. I felt so at home, at the gym. Gymnastics was my childhood, and the sport shaped me into the woman I am today. It’s always great to go back to your roots every now and then. I even did some gymnastics, only to find out just how weak my body had gotten after I stopped training! I complained to one of the coaches about how terribly out of shape my body had become, and she told me to not compare the way I am now to the way I was when I was still competing. It was a different time. And just because I’m no longer an athlete doesn’t mean I can’t get strong again.

I plan on coaching at the gym full-time, once I graduate this June. That, and the English tutoring gig I recently landed. I’m even considering the possibility of becoming a rhythmic gymnastics JUDGE! It’ll be a great way for me to reconnect with the sport and members of that community. So that’s my post-grad plan. I’ll be able to make some money while pursuing my own dancing, skating, and writing (I’ll finally have time to write that long-awaited book!). My dream is to move to NYC, but that’s only when I have enough money to do so. It feels so great to have a solid post-grad plan. And of course, plans do change, and I am open to the possibility of my life going a different direction. Only time will tell what will happen, and it’s absolutely okay to NOT know the future.

After training, one of my friends from the gym gave me a ride to the train station. Sadly, I missed my 8:45pm train and had to sit in the station for an hour before the 9:45pm train arrived. During my wait, I befriended a nice Filipina lady who dispensed all sorts of life advice to me. It’s crazy how much you can learn from a conversation with a stranger. Not saying that you should go befriending all strangers… that can be dangerous (trust me, I found out the hard way). Just use your best judgement, and as hard as this is for me to say (I’m generally a very open and friendly person and love befriending everyone), it’s better to rear on the end of safety and stay on the lookout for the weirdo’s of this world.

I got home around 10:52pm. Wrote the beginning of this blog post, but after 30 minutes, was too tired to continue writing. So here I am now, on this lovely Friday night at 10:31pm, finishing YESTERDAY’S blogmas! Geez, I’m already a day behind on my series! Gotta get it together, Bel! But, I will say that I’ve been super busy as of late, so I’ll cut myself a bit of slack.

Alrighty, guys! After I upload this post, I’m gonna crank out Blogmas Day 5, which technically is due tonight at 11:59pm. If I’m efficient, I’ll be able to do it! So I’ll talk to you guys later!







A Message to My Haters

Disclaimer: If you are looking for a happy post, you may want to skip this one. My audience here is targeted to only my haters. To my kind readers who’ve shown me nothing but love and respect, I thank you with all my heart. 


This post is directed to all my haters– the people who read my blog and think it is okay to ridicule my story and spread false rumors about me.

Recently, there has been much talk about me among the Bay Area Asian parents’ community. Why I am the latest hot topic of their lowly conversation is totally beyond me. First, people were calling me “crazy”. Now, they’re saying I’m on drugs. I will kindly let you know that these rumors are blatantly FALSE. As a person dealing with mental illness, I take personal offense to being called these things. The underlying assumption here is that people who struggle with mental illness are somehow not “normal”; that they belong in that “other” category, a category designated for the “loonies” and social pariahs.

I made a Facebook post not too long ago in response to that first rumor about me being “crazy”. Here it is:

“This was a difficult post for me to write, but I do think this had to be said.

I recently caught wind of rumors circling around about “crazy Belicia” going off the deep end again. Apparently these rumors were started by people who read my blog… a platform of utmost honesty and vulnerability where I used to feel safe to share my deepest sentiments and bear my soul to the world.

Let me begin by expressing my sincerest thanks to all those who’ve supported me on my journey since day one. The overwhelming majority of my followers has been nothing but kind, sympathetic and loving towards me and my story– and I cannot thank you guys enough. Thank you for your charity, your empathy, your graciousness. Thank you for taking the time and effort to look beyond the outward image of a “crazy girl”, and to really try to understand the realities of a young woman living with mental illness.

I understand that there is a huge risk to being vulnerable with the public. For every one person who supports you, there’s at least ten other people who sit smugly behind the screen, judging you and laughing at you and calling you names. I knowingly accepted this risk when I began disclosing my struggles with mental health to the public on social media. I choose to be part of the movement to de-stigmatize mental health, and a part of that means normalizing the conversation about mental illness so that it no longer becomes a topic to cower from. In the pursuit of this mission, I put myself at risk for being judged harshly. Not everyone can or wants to understand mental illness. Some people are still very uncomfortable and afraid of discussing mental health, as it isn’t in their culture or upbringing to do so.

This is not the first time that my vulnerability and honesty have been negatively received. Back home, in the dance studio, some went so far as to spread rumors that I was “on drugs” (not true, by the way. lol). I find that ignorance often stems from fear, which lends way to all sorts of evil and hate.

In spite of all the haters, I insist on talking about my mental illness because I know that I am not the only one going through such struggles. My hope is that in sharing my story, others may not feel so alone in their battles against the demons. I want people to know that having a mental illness, no matter who you are, is NOT something to be ashamed of. I want to humanize mental illness and paint a picture of how mental illness looks in one individual out of the millions going through it. And to those who are blessed to be mentally healthy, I seek to help you guys better understand a phenomenon you may not experience personally, so you can approach the topic of mental health with sympathy and compassion.

I am trying to be brave through all this. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t affected by some of the hurtful things people have had to say about me. I am only human, after all. But what I care more about than the haters is the positive message I am able to send to others, in disclosing my story. I want to show people that it is possible to be a high-achieving individual with mental illness. That mental illness should not hinder you from pursuing the life you envision for yourself;.That one is in no way defined by one’s mental illness. And that just because you deal with mental illness doesn’t mean you are any less than the next person.

Today was a learning experience. I concede that I was naive in my perception– or hope, rather– that my story is well-received by all. I don’t mind if you are not a fan of my story or what I stand for. But if you’re calling me crazy, I pray to God that one day, you’ll be able to move past your ignorance and fear, and be able to understand mental health for what it really is– a human phenomenon that affects EVERYONE. Being mentally ill does not make you crazy. It makes you human.

I refuse to be silenced. Hearing the rumors about me is just fuel to my fire. I will keep writing on my blog about my life, in all its good and bad. I will keep writing and speaking openly about mental illness, even if it’s just one person listening. If I can touch the life of just one person, all this hate and backlash and rumor-spreading– all of that shit– will be worth it.”

Honestly, though. What day and age do you think we live in? This isn’t the early 20th Century, guys. It’s almost 2019. Mental illness is REAL. It is largely a biological phenomenon triggered by difficult life experiences. And just because you suffer from anxiety or depression, doesn’t mean you are crazy, incapable, or a nuisance to society. If you’re going to make me the posterchild of mental illness, that’s totally fine with me. But I’d like to be known as the girl with mental illness who, despite all she’s been through, was still able to obtain success, and more. I haven’t made my mark quite just yet, but believe me, I will. And when I do, I’d like to see who’s laughing.

I honestly pity my haters so much, and pray to God that they find greater meaning in life than petty gossip. The fact that most of them are ADULTS with CHILDREN makes it even sadder that they would derive pleasure out of gossiping and spreading lies about a 20-year-old girl. Don’t you guys have better things to do in life? Look at yourself in the mirror before going out and calling other people crazy.

I’ll say one more thing before I sign out. I totally get that it’s human nature to gossip. Heck, I’d be lying if I said I never gossiped once in my life! But there’s a quote by one of my greatest inspirations, Eleanor Roosevelt that says, “Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people”. Think of these words the next time you decide to engage in petty talk about people you don’t even know the least thing about. Do you want to be a small mind? If so, that’s your decision. Just know that what you say about other people is more a reflection of YOURSELF, than of others.





With my best,



Blogmas 2018 Day 2/3: Self Growth


Hello, friends! Welcome to Blogmas Day 2!

It’s currently 5:33am as I sit at my desk typing away. I woke up at around 4:30am and couldn’t fall back asleep, for some reason. I was feeling very anxious about the prospect of visiting the rhythmic gymnastics club I used to coach at. The idea of seeing the girls and the fellow coaches is both exciting and intimidating. Intimidating because I worry they’ll judge me and my weight gain (the sport of rhythmic gymnastics places so much emphasis on being skinny). I know it’s mostly in my head. Most people probably won’t care about how I look. They’ll understand that it’s completely natural for ex-gymnasts to experience weight gain– especially ex-gymnasts who’ve just returned from college.

So, my plan for today is as follows:

Now until 10:00am– write and study Chinese (I’m taking Chinese 2A next quarter and want to get a head start)

10:15am– dental cleaning appointment 

12pm– lunch

2pm-5pm– exercise and dance 

5:30pm-7pm– write and read 

7pm– dinner 

7:30pm-9:00pm– study more Chinese 

9:00pm-10:00pm– read 

10:00pm– sleep 

I find that keeping a set, structured schedule each day really helps keep the depression away. For the past two winter breaks, I’ve experienced really bad depression during those three weeks at home. I don’t know if it’s partly seasonal, with colder, gloomier winter days, or if it’s simply the fact that my life lacks structure whenever I’m on holiday break. It’s hard– the nature of depression cripples you from getting done the things you need to get done. What I need to mitigate the depression is structure. But depression hinders you from sticking to a routine! How can you expect to engage in productive activity throughout the day, if all you want to do is curl up in a ball under your covers, curtains drawn and door locked, isolated from the outside world?

Alrighty, guys. I’m headed to the local health and fitness center right now, where I’ll sit in the cafe and study some Chinese. When I study, I find that I like to be around people, with white noise in the background. It helps me concentrate. It’s interesting how silence can be suffocating, at times. I’ll talk to you guys soon!


Arrived at the gym not too long ago. Sat down and started studying Chinese, only to realize that I was missing the textbook and only had the workbook to go off of, which isn’t too helpful when you haven’t read the corresponding text. Hopefully when I go home I’ll be able to find the textbook; for now, I’ll try my best to complete the workbook exercises. Man, I am so rusty at Chinese. I need to look up every other character in the Chinese dictionary, because I haven’t practiced for so long!


Hey guys! How has your guys’ day been so far? Mine has been pretty chill. As expected, I was unable to stick to my schedule– but note that I’m not beating myself up over it, like I would used to do, if I strayed from my disciplined routine! There’s a time and place for discipline, and because it’s winter break, I’ve decided to cut myself some slack.

So after I got home from the gym, my brother and I went to the dentist for our usual cleaning. The dentist told me that my lower right wisdom tooth was coming out and penetrating the gum, which explains the pain that’s been plaguing my mouth for the longest time. We’re going to remove the wisdom tooth on the 27th of December. Fun times!

After the dental appointment, we had a lunch of salmon, broccoli, and toast, all washed down with some homemade milk tea (thanks, Chris, for the new recipe!). After lunch was over, I headed upstairs to my room and spent the next few hours updating my resume and applying for as many jobs and internships as I could find. I used the app “Handshake”, as well as the website “”, to find job opportunities. I actually managed to score an interview for this tutoring company, which will happen tomorrow at 11:15am. I’m a bit nervous, since I really don’t like interviews. The thought of a superior judging and interrogating me is honestly pretty intimidating. You would think that after years of competing and performing, I’d be used to evaluation of any sort. But my strong stage presence does not necessarily transfer to everyday life. In fact, a lot of performing artists are indeed very shy and reserved when they are off the stage, out of the spotlight. But I digress. Where was I? Ahh, yes. Nervous because of the interview. I know that the key to overcoming this anxiety is being able to separate my self worth from my skills. Job interviews are used as a measure of your skill and ability to perform well at a certain task. Just because you don’t get a job, doesn’t make you a bad, unlovable person. It just means you weren’t the right fit for the job. It isn’t a reflection of your self worth. At the core of my fear of evaluation is a deeply-rooted fear of rejection, because any form of rejection is at once internalized, and my self-worth is then called into question. Once I’m able to move fast the fear of rejection and internalize healthier dialogues, interviews will no longer seem so daunting. Hah. If only it were that easy.

At 3:30pm, my brother and I went to the gym until 5pm. Exercising felt really nice– I stretched for the first time in forever, and though I inevitably lost a lot of my flexibility, I made sure to turn off the negative, judgmental voice that resurfaces every time I work out and am faced with the reality that I am no longer the athlete I once was.

After our workout, I came home, took a shower, and hopped back on the job search wagon. And now, here I am, typing away. It’s almost dinnertime, so I should really get going. TTYL!


Hello, everyone! Welcome to Day 3 of Blogmas. It’s been QUITE the day, today. I woke up at 11:00am and sped through my morning routine before my 11:15am Skype interview for a professional tutoring position. I’m happy to say that I’ve gotten the job!

In other news, we had a terrible toilet leak on the second floor of the house, which led to basically the entire house flooding with dirty toilet water. My mom had to call the plumber, and we spent all morning cleaning and mopping the floor. Yuck! Glad to report that everything in the Tang household is now under control.

On a brighter note, today was the first day I drove on the freeway, BY MYSELF, from my home to Stanford Shopping Center in Palo Alto! I almost hit another car when trying to change lanes, but not checking my blind spot first. Oops. But you know what? I am so proud of myself for doing something that’s scared me for the longest time. Driving’s just one of those things. You gotta learn by doing, and that’s how you gain confidence and experience. Just watching people drive is not gonna do the trick. Now, the prospect of driving on the freeway does not scare me nearly as much as it used to, because you know what? I SURVIVED IT! Today, I grew.

After shopping with my friend from UCLA (we were planning on buying Christmas gifts for people, but ended up buying new bras for ourselves), we headed back to my place, where we chatted while listening to music, until it was time for her to leave.

I didn’t realize how tired I was from a day of driving until my friend left, and I plopped down on my bed. Seriously, guys, driving is so underrated. It’s not an easy task. You gotta be on the lookout every second for merging lanes, ignorant drivers (I was one of them, today) and wandering pedestrians. Driving is especially hard when you’re driving in unfamiliar territory. At that point, your GPS is both your best friend and worst enemy. How many times has the GPS told you to make a turn the very second before it is time to turn? Like, how am I supposed to make it from the leftmost to rightmost lane in 100 feet?

It’s 10:40pm now. Didn’t do my Chinese studying today, sadly. I still can’t find that darn textbook! I guess I’ll just enroll in a free online Chinese course through Coursera or Udacity. Gotta get those Chinese chops going before I delve into Chinese 2A, next quarter.

I would write more, but I think this post is long enough as is. Plus, my brain is totally fried and my eyes are drooping. I’ll chat with you guys later!







Blogmas 2018 Day 1: Social Anxiety

Hey, everyone! Welcome to day 1 of this year’s Blogmas series! Each day for the rest of December, I will write a blog post each day highlighting my day’s events and my corresponding thoughts.

Today I thought I’d share an update on the state of my social anxiety. How goes my battle against this long-standing anxiety disorder of mine, you may ask?

Well, going into this quarter, one of my goals was to develop more social confidence. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to make as much progress on this goal as I had hoped for. I had planned on doing Bruin Toastmasters each week to fight my public speaking anxiety, but Toastmasters meetings coincided with my Psych 150 class every Tuesday at 12:30pm, so I wasn’t able to do that.

It’s interesting. In the past, I was very open about my long-time battle with social anxiety. I didn’t hesitate to share with my friends how afraid and uncomfortable I could get in social situations, because I saw it as something many people went through. But now, it seems as though I have grown ashamed of my social anxiety, and whenever I meet someone new, I try my best to hide it (which often makes me more anxious, and my plan totally backfires). I don’t know what brought about this shift in mindset. Perhaps it was this idea that, at 20 years old and 2 quarters away from graduating, I should be further along my battle than I currently am. Why am I less confident than I was, coming into college? It doesn’t seem to make sense. Aren’t people supposed to grow and mature and develop social skills in college? Why have I seemed to regress., especially this past year?

I know that part of my regression stemmed from my bipolar diagnosis and the realization that my social “confidence” during freshman year of college was in fact that bipolar mania talking. Once I no longer had the mania to help me through all sorts of social challenges, I doubted my ability to be cool, collected and composed when interacting with people. My confidence was thus shaken, and I was brought back to square one. Another factor that I believe diminished my confidence was my taking a break from dance. I truly believe that dance was the reason I was able to break free of my shell, junior year of high school. Once I stopped dancing, I lost a big part of my identity as a dancer. I was no longer growing and challenging myself in that aspect of my life. I was no longer getting that performance exposure I needed to extinguish my stage fright.

Here’s another thing I’m terrified of. I’m terrified of running into people who’ve known me since before I started college. One reason why is because I’ve gained a significant amount of weight since coming to UCLA. As a former gymnast and dancer, I place a disproportionate amount of “weight” (haha, pun intended), on the way my body looks. Once I lost my shape, I lost a lot of confidence as well. Nowadays, I cannot step into a dance studio for fear of judgement and criticism from people who knew me back when I was thinner and more toned. I cannot bear the thought of people looking at me and whispering amongst themselves, “Look at that girl. She used to be in such good shape, and look at her now. She’s fat.” I’m telling you, this is what the dance world is like. In any performance-based sport, there is constant talk about weight. Heck, I myself am guilty of judging other based on their bodies! It’s not right, but it’s just the way it is.

Another reason why I am afraid of running into people who’ve known pre-college Belicia is because I feel like people expect me to be drastically changed after three years in college– more mature, more confident, just overall a more grounded, responsible adult. The truth is, I don’t feel ANY of those things. Sure, I’ve grown a lot and learned many life lessons during my time at UCLA. But I don’t feel as if I’ve grown more confident socially (I’ve regressed socially, if anything), and I worry that others will think negatively of me, if I don’t appear a changed person.

All these reasons and more are why I hope to pack my bags and move to NYC, once I graduate. I want to move to a place where no one knows me. Where I can have a fresh start. I want to be in a place where I can walk into a dance studio without having people compare me to the way I used to be. I can meet new people and be comfortably uncomfortable, as I won’t have to worry about other people comparing the present shy Belicia to the formly confident Belicia I used to be. I don’t want to live in the shadow of my former glory. I just want to… Be. You guys get that, right? Wanting to start over completely?

But all hope is not lost. I still have 2 more quarters at UCLA to improve myself socially. I am hopeful that Bruin Burlesque (the dance organization I started), will help me gain more confidence and leadership skills. I also plan on getting a job winter quarter that involves lots of customer service and interaction with people. If my schedule allows, I will attend more Bruin Toastmasters meetings so I can tackle the public speaking fear, once and for all.

When I graduate, I plan on working as a rhythmic gymnastics coach. I think going back to my roots and teaching and inspiring young gymnasts will give me a feeling of purpose. Having little girls look up to me will give me more confidence in my own ability. I will be braver, because these little girls are counting on me to be a leader.

Alrighty, guys. I’d better end this post here. My mom will be picking me up soon (I’m sitting inside the Nob Hill foods cafe), and we’ll be going straight to a Chinese restaurant for dinner. My brother Chris just got back from Michigan today– I haven’t seen him since summer! My other brother Austin is currently in Colorado with his friends, shredding those snowy slopes. He’ll be returning on the 22nd.

After dinner, I’ll be watching the movie “Bohemian Rhapsody” with two childhood friends. Something to look forward to.

I’ll talk to you guys tomorrow!