Disclaimer: If you are looking for a happy post, you may want to skip this one. My audience here is targeted to only my haters. To my kind readers who’ve shown me nothing but love and respect, I thank you with all my heart.
This post is directed to all my haters– the people who read my blog and think it is okay to ridicule my story and spread false rumors about me.
Recently, there has been much talk about me among the Bay Area Asian parents’ community. Why I am the latest hot topic of their lowly conversation is totally beyond me. First, people were calling me “crazy”. Now, they’re saying I’m on drugs. I will kindly let you know that these rumors are blatantly FALSE. As a person dealing with mental illness, I take personal offense to being called these things. The underlying assumption here is that people who struggle with mental illness are somehow not “normal”; that they belong in that “other” category, a category designated for the “loonies” and social pariahs.
I made a Facebook post not too long ago in response to that first rumor about me being “crazy”. Here it is:
“This was a difficult post for me to write, but I do think this had to be said.
I recently caught wind of rumors circling around about “crazy Belicia” going off the deep end again. Apparently these rumors were started by people who read my blog… a platform of utmost honesty and vulnerability where I used to feel safe to share my deepest sentiments and bear my soul to the world.
Let me begin by expressing my sincerest thanks to all those who’ve supported me on my journey since day one. The overwhelming majority of my followers has been nothing but kind, sympathetic and loving towards me and my story– and I cannot thank you guys enough. Thank you for your charity, your empathy, your graciousness. Thank you for taking the time and effort to look beyond the outward image of a “crazy girl”, and to really try to understand the realities of a young woman living with mental illness.
I understand that there is a huge risk to being vulnerable with the public. For every one person who supports you, there’s at least ten other people who sit smugly behind the screen, judging you and laughing at you and calling you names. I knowingly accepted this risk when I began disclosing my struggles with mental health to the public on social media. I choose to be part of the movement to de-stigmatize mental health, and a part of that means normalizing the conversation about mental illness so that it no longer becomes a topic to cower from. In the pursuit of this mission, I put myself at risk for being judged harshly. Not everyone can or wants to understand mental illness. Some people are still very uncomfortable and afraid of discussing mental health, as it isn’t in their culture or upbringing to do so.
This is not the first time that my vulnerability and honesty have been negatively received. Back home, in the dance studio, some went so far as to spread rumors that I was “on drugs” (not true, by the way. lol). I find that ignorance often stems from fear, which lends way to all sorts of evil and hate.
In spite of all the haters, I insist on talking about my mental illness because I know that I am not the only one going through such struggles. My hope is that in sharing my story, others may not feel so alone in their battles against the demons. I want people to know that having a mental illness, no matter who you are, is NOT something to be ashamed of. I want to humanize mental illness and paint a picture of how mental illness looks in one individual out of the millions going through it. And to those who are blessed to be mentally healthy, I seek to help you guys better understand a phenomenon you may not experience personally, so you can approach the topic of mental health with sympathy and compassion.
I am trying to be brave through all this. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t affected by some of the hurtful things people have had to say about me. I am only human, after all. But what I care more about than the haters is the positive message I am able to send to others, in disclosing my story. I want to show people that it is possible to be a high-achieving individual with mental illness. That mental illness should not hinder you from pursuing the life you envision for yourself;.That one is in no way defined by one’s mental illness. And that just because you deal with mental illness doesn’t mean you are any less than the next person.
Today was a learning experience. I concede that I was naive in my perception– or hope, rather– that my story is well-received by all. I don’t mind if you are not a fan of my story or what I stand for. But if you’re calling me crazy, I pray to God that one day, you’ll be able to move past your ignorance and fear, and be able to understand mental health for what it really is– a human phenomenon that affects EVERYONE. Being mentally ill does not make you crazy. It makes you human.
I refuse to be silenced. Hearing the rumors about me is just fuel to my fire. I will keep writing on my blog about my life, in all its good and bad. I will keep writing and speaking openly about mental illness, even if it’s just one person listening. If I can touch the life of just one person, all this hate and backlash and rumor-spreading– all of that shit– will be worth it.”
Honestly, though. What day and age do you think we live in? This isn’t the early 20th Century, guys. It’s almost 2019. Mental illness is REAL. It is largely a biological phenomenon triggered by difficult life experiences. And just because you suffer from anxiety or depression, doesn’t mean you are crazy, incapable, or a nuisance to society. If you’re going to make me the posterchild of mental illness, that’s totally fine with me. But I’d like to be known as the girl with mental illness who, despite all she’s been through, was still able to obtain success, and more. I haven’t made my mark quite just yet, but believe me, I will. And when I do, I’d like to see who’s laughing.
I honestly pity my haters so much, and pray to God that they find greater meaning in life than petty gossip. The fact that most of them are ADULTS with CHILDREN makes it even sadder that they would derive pleasure out of gossiping and spreading lies about a 20-year-old girl. Don’t you guys have better things to do in life? Look at yourself in the mirror before going out and calling other people crazy.
I’ll say one more thing before I sign out. I totally get that it’s human nature to gossip. Heck, I’d be lying if I said I never gossiped once in my life! But there’s a quote by one of my greatest inspirations, Eleanor Roosevelt that says, “Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people”. Think of these words the next time you decide to engage in petty talk about people you don’t even know the least thing about. Do you want to be a small mind? If so, that’s your decision. Just know that what you say about other people is more a reflection of YOURSELF, than of others.
With my best,