Resurrection

Hi friends! Welcome back to my blog! It is currently 5:40pm on this chilly Friday night. I just finished a quick workout and am looking forward to a night out in San Francisco with my friends!

Life has been going up and up and up since my last update a couple weeks ago. I think I’m on the verge of hypomania, with my inner dreamer being unleashed full-force. I am ambitious, and I have all the energy in the world to follow through with my goals. Goals… I have many. Get back into dancing. Write my book. Work out twice a day. Apply to jobs. The list goes on.

The funny part of all this is that it will only be a matter of time before I come crashing down to rock bottom again. Sadly, it’s the universe’s cruel joke on my unquiet mind. It’s a fundamental law of nature. What goes up, must come down. Mania, then depression. Manic-depressive illness. Bipolar disorder. The hand I was dealt.

Today was a tiring day. I am currently being interviewed to work as an SAT English instructor at a tutoring company, and today was the “technical” portion of the hiring process. I had to take a diagnostic SAT English exam that lasted 1.5 hours. Honestly, I was dubious that I would do well on the exam. I haven’t  taken an actual SAT in what, 5 years? Since sophomore year of HIGH SCHOOL! I spent a week prepping for today’s exam, and for both practice tests I completed, my scores were middling, at best (lol, I learned the word “middling” today while taking the critical reading portion of the test). Anyway, I thought I did terribly on today’s exam, but later in the day I received a phone call from the owner of the company, who told me my scores were “great”. So I’ll be moving on to the behavioral interview next week. Super excited!

How is life, otherwise? As mentioned earlier, life as of late has been good. Real good. Maybe even a little too good. I don’t know, guys. These days, I no longer pray for those highly coveted “up” moods. I only pray for stability. Bipolar is tricky. Left unchecked, your moods are “controlled chaos”, as I like to think of it. Your moods follow a general sinusoidal trend, with ups inexorably followed by downs. But it can very easily feel like you have no control whatsoever over when you are catapulted up to the stars, and when you come crashing down. There’s a quote I love that perfectly encapsulates the essence of bipolar:

“It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply.”

Indeed, the magnitude of which I feel things is increased tenfold because of my illness. Any major life change or event can send me soaring high for days, weeks, and even months, or conversely, can send me down to the depths of hell. I know, I know, I’m sounding a little bit melodramatic right now. Take a chill pill, Bel!

Alrighty, folks. Time to go, I need to get ready for my night out in the city! I’ll talk to you guys later!

 

-Bel

 

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