Today I wanted to get a huge load off my chest. This past month has been one of the hardest months I’ve ever had. Quite frankly, it went by in one huge blur. I started the month off on two medications– Lamictal and Abilify, the latter of which has a nasty side effect of weight gain. Tired of my fitness goals being derailed by medication interference, I decided to get off of Abilify and switch to something without as many side effects. The doctor decided to put me on Geodon, another antipsychotic medication.
I couldn’t just stop Abilify cold turkey, though. I had to taper off of it, from 15mg, to 10mg, to 5, then 0. So for a period of time, I was on BOTH Geodon and Abilify. The interaction of the two medications results in extreme sedation. So for about two weeks, I was literally a zombie. I slept all day, every day. I couldn’t even get behind a wheel, for fear of falling asleep. Needless to say, I don’t remember much of that dark time.
Eventually, I finished tapering off Abilify and settled with just the Geodon and Lamictal. Without the tranquilizing effect of Abilify, however, my sleep did a complete 180 on me. I went from sleeping every minute of every day to not being able to sleep AT ALL. For the past week-and-a-half, I’ve been staying up all night, falling asleep around 6 or 7am. Then, I’d catch up on my sleep during the day, staying in bed until 4 or 5pm. Of course, by then, the day would almost be over. I’d wake up super groggy and spend the remainder of the day feeling like a zombie. I’d be completely unproductive at whatever I set out to do. I’d get about 3 hours of sunlight, maximum. By nightfall, I’d once again be wide awake. I hated the feeling of having so much energy at an ungodly hour without having anywhere to go to expend such energy. I can’t go running, because it’s not safe to be out alone that late at night. The gym is closed, as is Starbucks. No one is awake, so I’d have no one to talk to. The loneliness I felt was crippling.
Because of my sleep issues, I had to cancel all my work commitments last week, which made me lose a week’s worth of income. This does not bode well for my lifestyle, as I live paycheck to paycheck to support my expensive hobbies. So all of this week, I wasn’t able to do the things I enjoyed doing, like skating or dancing, because a) I didn’t have the energy to, and b) I didn’t have money. All these factors and more have contributed to my increasingly depressed spirits. I think I am going crazy.
The good news is, I’ll be speaking to my psychiatrist on Monday to discuss how we can correct this pervasive issue.
Phew. Sorry if this post was super depressing. It simply reflects my current miserable state of being. I am not usually one to entertain self-pity, but currently, I wish I could have any brain other than my own. Here’s hoping tonight will be a little bit better (though not likely).