Writing My First Book?!

Hi friends! It’s 6:56am on this Wednesday morning. I was feeling a little stuck this morning, reluctant to get out of bed to start my day. My thoughts– how will I fill my time today? I’ll go to the gym. Then study GRE vocab. Then go skating. Then come home and take a break. Then hit the gym again. Then do some writing.

So here I was, planning out my day (I really should have thought this out yesterday, before I went to bed), when I was struck with the inspiration to write my first book!

I know I want to write about important mental health issues. A book recounting my personal experience with depression/identity crisis following an athletic career cut short would be ideal. I could also write about bipolar disorder, giving people an inside glimpse of this mental illness. Either way, my book will be based upon personal experience, as the topic of my own journey is one I am very familiar with.

I don’t know when this book is going to happen. I go back to LA for summer school in 4 days. The next 6 weeks will be busy, filled with studying all day long. I am a bit reluctant to start a new project right before school begins, as I know I’ll get easily consumed by my book-writing, and may become distracted from my studies. Of course, I can always devote about 30 minutes each day to my writing– anyone can spare 30 minutes in their day!

Time management is indeed an art– an art I have yet to fully master. I wish I could effectively separate my mercurial moods with how I go about my day-to-day. When I feel good and inspired, I’ll be up by 5am and go non-stop for the rest of the day. The majority of my days, however, I find myself either neutral, or downright depressed. On these bad days, I’ll be in bed until 11am, and find myself tragically dragging my feet around the rest of the day, with an iron-heavy weight sitting on my chest. I attribute a lot of these up-and-down extremities to bipolar disorder. The thing is, I never can predict when I’ll have a good day, and when I’ll have a down day. One day, I may feel super inspired; the next, my short-lived flame will have fizzled out, and I’ll be left feeling empty once more. Why can’t I just be consistent with my moods, which in turn affect my life path? I hate how my mood state holds such power over my daily functioning. I need to be able to be productive, regardless of how I’m feeling. I guess that’s the tricky thing about bipolar. On your highs, you feel unstoppable. But the glory of the high is always overshadowed by the knowledge that, following a high comes the inevitable crash of depression. Eventually, you lose hope that things will ever be consistently good, or even normal. I used to long for my highs. Now, I dread them, because they signal the onset of depression. I just want to live in a contented normal state– neither sky-high nor rock bottom. I just want to be mentally stable. Live a life of balance.

Okay, my rant on bipolar disorder is over. Do you now see why I wish to write a book about this illness? There’s so much about it that people don’t understand… so many misconceptions… so many things that only the souls who’ve battled this beast can know.

Well, all I know is, I’m glad I started my day off with writing. Perhaps this should be my daily trend. It is, after all, highly therapeutic.

I hope you all have a beautiful day. Keep smiling, don’t take yourself all too seriously, and be happy!

 

 

 

Love,

Belicia

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